So where do I go now?
Last night, after writing the previous post, I had a huge breakdown. I wasn’t happy at all. I just wanted to die. I hated everyone and everything. This morning, I woke up and the Mister was staring at me with a big smile on his face. I instantly feel good. I finished some work and took a cab to work. I arrived here and fell bad instantly. I’m fighting to keep my eyes open and, with all respect to my boss who gave me this work as a favor, I just hate it.
Last night I was reading a chapter in “I hate you. Don’t leave me”, a book about Borderline and it said:
“Though borderlines have extreme difficulties managing their personal lives, many are able to function productively in a work situation – particularly if the job is well structured, clearly defined, and supportive. Some perform well for long periods, but then suddenly – because of a change in the job structure, or a drastic shift in personal life, or just plain boredom and a craving for change – they abruptly leave or sabotage their position and go on to the next opportunity. Many borderlines complain of frequent or chronic minor medical illnesses, leading to recurrent doctor visits and sick days.
The work wold can provide sanctuary from the anarchy of their social relationships. For this reason, borderlines frequently function best in highly structured work environments. The helping professions – medicine, nursing, clergy, counseling – also attract many borderlines who strive to achieve the power or control that elude them in social relationships. Perhaps more important, in these roles borderlines can provide the care for others – and receive the recognition from others – that they years for in their own lives. Borderlines are often very intelligent and display striking artistic abilities; fueled by easy access to powerful emotions, they can be creative and successful professionally.
But a highly competitive or unstructured job, or a highly critical supervisor, can trigger the intense, uncontrolled anger and the hypersensitivity to rejection to which the borderline is susceptible. The rage can permeate the workplace and literally destroy a career.”
Oh gosh, how much I can relate to a lot of stuff written here. Around 3PM every day, I feel rage coming up and out of respect for my boss and co-workers and can’t just start screaming at them. So I feel it’s time to go home. But I can’t pull this trick always.
This is such a dilemma. If I quit my job, I’ll be hungry, because the Mister doesn’t have enough salary to pay for rent and food. And if I stay here, I just get more depressed day after day. There’s no winning solution.