Quote from “The Atheist Guide to Christmas”
I like to fantasize that God does exist, and what He and I might talk about. In the extremely unlikely event that He did appear before me, it would indeed be a revelation.
Who knows? I might even indulge in a bit of glossolalia. But once I’d reassembled my lower jaw, stopped gibbering, composed myself, and apologized to my devout Catholic gran for giving her such a hard time all these years, the realization would be that although much of what we assume to be true is not, the revelation would simply open up a new, mouth-breathingly exciting branch of science. If He did make everything, quarks and all, then surely he’d be pretty excited to let us mortals make some new discoveries:
Me: Sorry about all that ardent non-believing I’ve been doing. By giving me choice, you didn’t really give me much choice.
God: Don’t sweat it. Any questions? I’m in a bit of a rush, I’ve got an urgent dice game to play with Einstein.
Me: Right. Did Maradona handle the ball in the 1986 World Cup finals against England?
God: “Hand of God,” my divine arse. Nothing to do with me, mate.
Me: I forgive you. Listen, loads of questions to ask you, like “What have you been up to for the last 13 billion years?” and “What the hell is the point of Belgium?” But I’m just going to stick to the facts: What are you made of?
God: Well . . . [answers in full]
Me: Riiiight. Wow. That explains why in 10,000 years of history we haven’t been able to categorically verify one single instance of Your existence.
God: Yeah, sorry about that.
Me: We’re gonna need some new technology and a seriously colossal grant to start researching this.
God: Anything else?
Me: One last thing. Would you mind just clearing up the “Thou shalt not kill” commandment? There seems to be a bit of confusion about it here on earth.
God: [slightly embarrassed mumbling, exit stage left]